THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT SLEEPING FOR TWO WEEKS

Last night I was really depressed (again). So decided to type what was inside my head.
(note this was all spontaneous. So had no time to think on what im typing.)

What is happening to me I can’t understand my self anymore? Why am I destroying my life? Is this because of April I hope not come on its stupid she doesn’t love me remember she betrayed you but why are not angry with her why do you still care for why do still freaking love her after all she has done to you remember she doesn’t care about your feelings remember when she called and asked you if something happen between the two of you last September coz they were already together and she wanted to assure herself that she didn’t cheat on him how about you didn’t she cheat on you yeah we all know that your understanding and that you’ll `1never angry but how about your feelings hasn’t she considered them for you but what did you freaking do you freaking supported her why do you always have to be there for everybody when it freaking hurts why you just who you are why cant scream out loud what you feel why do have to consider everybody feelings before yours what have you done to deserve this you were always willing to obey yeah I know you make mistake but come on your only human cant they cut you some slack. You always what they want you to be well until you met her that change everything for once you showed what you feel inside but you the idiot got things out of hands your emotions being kept up all those years began to pour out and you have no way of controlling it yeah kept that mask until you went on a mission you cant control anymore you cant hide you cant put that smile anymore coz deep inside you feel like crap you feel hell you don’t even know what you feel anymore you were so fuck up you just had to runaway and that made things worse you were just digging your own grave you got something great going then you destroy it what wrong with you why cant you hate everyone why cant you blame someone wit what happen to your life coz you cant you just love everybody you care so much you don’t mind getting hurt` now look at you know your parents2 don’t know what to do anymore your kin man you cant look in their eyes and to hate your self your even going to get excommunicated for crying out loud the only thing you hold true is rejecting you now yeah they all say you can come back you can fix your but the damage is already done your freaking hopeless now I don know what to do example why do I still care for her why in the world can you sense if she not felling good why do you have to be idiot to make her feel better s you can get hurt again that stupid it crazy now your freaking scared of showing what you really feel inside and you hate yourself for not showing it either man your freaking crazy you don’t even know what you want let me guess you don’t even know who you really you only fantasized but come on your even you fantasy are for other people you don’t dream for yourself anymore here a question do you know who you are and you don’t know if you love yourself maybe that’s it just hide and never who 1you really are2 just smile andthi9bnk everything is find so no one has to worry about you so you can die inside yourself and no one will 1ever know you know why you cant kill yourself coz everybody going to get hurt and we don’t want that do we so put on a mask hide in the shadows where you belong and let URIM be there for everyone so everyone else could forget there worries about you. Come now URIM will take of everyone he will help everyone be the a shoulder that everyone could cry the strong one the brave the wise the patient the obedient URIM not you who would like you any a guy who cant control his emotion who always hurt the2 one he cares for the one unreliable one the problem who would want tthat1 tell me who come on even God would hate you but not URIM the one everybody want the obedient servant, the honorable son, friend, brother that everybody wants not you he you don’t even like yourself why should anyone like coz you don’t even know who you are. You feel cold and empty inside do you. You deserve it anyway why you ask I don’t know but what’s happening to you deserve it. Your excuse is that your crazy that no excuse you cause yourself to become like this it not anybody fault it all your fault it nobody fault its all yours YOURS!!!!! You understand so accept it your worthless like I said hide runaway don’t show yourself 3anymore let URIM do the job he’s good at it your not your worthless I don’t even know why I’m bothering myself to tell you this don’t you get you should die and let URIM do your job so you agree with me now that’s good now here what we are going you hide in you little corner and let us do the job. What you change your mind why you feel that lying is bad yeah your right but come now at least they don’t get hurt coz of you I just want you to know who I am but I dub you unforgiven what are you doing quoting from songs you idiot that wont work no one will listen to you no believes on you remember mama called you unreliable and whose fault is it yours nobody but you it your fault again yours!!!! Hasn’t this proved anything yet wear URIM again please for everyone peace we don’t care if you get hurt wee just want URIM back okay please we beg for the sake of every one sanity.

Again, that is what happen if you don't get to sleep for a very long time

First night

So this is how it works. Well if anyone is reading this, and wondering why in the world am i doing this? Its because this is the only way I can really express myself now. Got hurt really bad cuz I showed my emotions. Now Im even fucking scared of smiling for fear of getting hurt.

Haven't slept for days now. I just lie in my bed feeling sick and tired of myself for hours until the sun rises. Then I have to act that everything is fucking okay in my life. Some of you might ask why am i feeling like this well that another story.